(no subject)

And I'm not sleeping well, all my dreams are so real
I dreamt I set fire to my house, watched the great beams come crashing down
And later on I was standing in the ashes of the stairs
They asked me what happened, it was an accident I said
And I don't know what all this means and I don't care, it's nothing to me
But there was something in the corner of that dream that I could not quite see
And I don't know what this feeling is but it's dripping through me
There's something in the corner of my life that I cannot quite see

I'm awake again. I've been awake since about 4:45 now -- I keep waking up in the night and early morning now (2:19 is the earliest I can remember, 6am the latest). Normally (ha ha!) I'm blessed with being a pretty heavy sleeper once I'm gone: Matthew will sometimes ask me in the morning if I heard the thunder last night and my usual response is "buh?" but I bet I'd hear the thunder now.

Lately I've been filled up with worries and cares and I'm absolutely sure that my mind is gnawing on them all through the night and not actually resting and so is always skirting around on the edge of awake. Oddly, I woke up this morning 'cause my guts were churning and thought this was a better reason to wake up than the small noises that have been getting me lately (best guess is that my guts are churning 'cause I had Hawaiian pizza on my way home from work late last night when, now that my guts are churning, I can't remember the last time was that I ate ham maybe making my stomach say "what the hell is this? I don't know what to do with this! Out!". But the ways of my stomach are usually a mystery to me). I was coming home from work late yesterday because I was late going in since I'd woken up still with a headache I'd had all day the day before too (where I'd hoped I could just fix it by drinking a whole lot of water and going to bed once I got home from work but, no, it took the pain pills the next day to finally make it go). This is also odd for me: it's only the 2nd two day headache I can remember having.

It's good for me that I wake up for this reason 'cause I'd rather talk about my guts and my head than my worries and cares -- that's my standard MO. It's standard for a couple of reasons. The first is that I'm not much of a talker of worries and cares -- I never learned how to do that well. The second is that, other than with Matthew, this is the easiest place to talk about worries and cares but I worry very much about those worries piling on to other worries (a friends page of worries!). As long as I've had this thing I've always been looking about for the good or amusing things to share instead (or at least the bad as I make fun of them -- it seems like the whole first year of this thing is me making fun of me for not being able to get my [school] work done and all the fretting I do about that) but more and more this style feels disingenuous ("Hey! Funny story! Good night out! Look over there!").

It's funny, I think a very specific thing about not writing about my worries and cares here (I've thought it for weeks): I think that I don't want to pile 'sorrow on sorrow' and I finally gave up and looked for that phrase. And, just like I started this post with some lyrics (because I keep getting random meaningful pieces of those in my head too) I was absolutely not surprised to see that it's biblical (because I get almost as many snips of that in my head... and sometimes feel like one of the last people on earth who has that text to hand in their head as a natural piece of culture). What did surprise me is that it's from the NT (and let's not even get started on the fact that I just twigged the same about "worries and cares" in re-reading this draft), and all the more so, Paul, which I've never felt I've known very well:

25. Yet I thought it necessary to send to you Epaphroditus, my brother, and companion in labor, and fellow soldier, but your messenger, and he that ministered to my wants.
26. For he longed after you all, and was full of heaviness, because you had heard that he had been sick.
27. For indeed he was sick near unto death: but God had mercy on him; and not on him only, but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.
28. I sent him therefore the more eagerly, that, when you see him again, you may rejoice, and that I may be the less sorrowful.
29. Receive him therefore in the Lord with all gladness; and hold such in honor:
30. Because for the work of Christ he was near unto death, not regarding his life, to supply your lack of service toward me.

In the end, not very many worries in this post: but there are definitely cares.